When did you screw everything up, but no one ever found out it was you?
The Constitution of the United States of America specifically says: “… nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself…” ‘Nuff said.
What would you name your boat if you had one?
The USS Penis Extension
What’s the most useless talent you have?
In a restaurant I can immediately find the person who is chewing with their mouth open in the most disgusting way. Worst. Avenger. Ever. (that’s not true. Doctor Druid was worse, but not by much).
A penguin walks through that door right now wearing a sombrero. What does he say and why is he here?
“Do you have the $200 bucks?” He’s delivering my sheet of acid. Don’t ask him about the sombrero. He doesn’t talk about the sombrero. Ever.
Which storybook/cartoon character turns you on the most?
Alfred. Anyone THAT into service and can keep a bat-cave spotless while sporting such a tight tushy in butler pants is going to be just keen my book. Just keen, I tell you.
Do you have any strange phobias?
Glitter. Ironic, I know. It’s why I am so often heavily medicated on Jack Daniels when you see me.
Which way does your toilet paper hang on the wall – over or under?
My husband would like to use this opportunity to say he would be happy with over or under and not sitting on the counter near the toilet. Don’t judge me.
What are three things still left on your bucket list?
Well first, wooden bucket. I know, right? How have I gone this long in life without having a wooden bucket! Second I think would be a glass bucket. Classy. And the third, I would like a bucket made out that stuff they use to make edible panties. Ultimate conversation starter at cocktail parties.
If you could have any one superpower, which would you choose?
My super power would be to take away any super powers from anyone choosing super powers from answering questions like, “If you could have any superpower, which would you choose?” Those people don’t know what they are doing and wasting an incredible gift.
What is one thing that all of your love-interests have had in common?
Me. Also, they all hated coconut. I love coconut. They ALL hated coconut! Who the fuck hates coconut!?!
You’ve been given an elephant. You can’t give it away or sell it. What would you do with the elephant?
Slap “Gluten Free” stickers on each of his dookies, then sell them on Amazon. Retire in one year to Hawaii. With the elephant, of course. He can bring me coconuts. Seriously, who the fuck doesn’t just love coconuts!
What, or who, are you a “closet” fan of?
Spice Girls. Especially Scary Spice. Well and of course, Posh Spice. My home girl… Sporty Spice too. And my goodness, that Baby Spice! Not Ginger though. Didn’t like her.
